


doudou

by mrmara



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Character Study, Emotional, F/F, First Love, POV First Person, Teacher-Student Relationship, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 11:37:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19228387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrmara/pseuds/mrmara
Summary: An internal monologue of Oksana falling for Anna.





	doudou

**Author's Note:**

> epigraph is taken from Mitski's song "First Love/Late Spring"

_"One word from you and I would_

_Jump off of this ledge I'm on baby_

_Tell me "don't" so I can crawl back in_

_And I was so young when I behaved twenty-five_

_Yet now I find I’ve grown into_

_A tall child"_

 

 

// _In the meandering lines of her face, I see myself. Looking back at her through the mirror; soft eyes penetrating the folds of memory that lay exhausted in her. Her years shatter before me; pieces of time, articles of experience, crumbling at my feet. I lament I wasn’t there beside her for it all. My existence cut through space as hers was already well started._

_Does she know she’s exquisite? Does she know she’s aged like a fine wine; capable of being devoured with a richness only the tongue is able to mull over? Does she know? Does she know? Does she know?_

_I stare. Is it too much? Will she think me a misbehaved girl? I hope my shorthand brings her pleasure; to read, to consume, to love. It’s for her, all of it. Every perfectly rounded curve holding the weight of my heart pronounced only for her._

_Her eyes and mouth speak with tenderness, disregarding the volatile mess within me- the one everyone else seems to be able to see so clearly. When she combs her holy fingers through my dark locks I fall to my knees in one swift motion, knowing it’ll take a lifetime to pull myself back up. Down, Down, I go, I go //_

 

 

_// Are you ashamed when I catch you staring? Is it a sin to gaze? Is my physique but the work of the devil to you? If so, it will be both our hands tied behind our backs. As for me, I’ll go gladly, but would you? Dragged into the light, all truths made known? Is it my youth that makes it terrifying, or is it as simple as the fear circulating with all blossoming love? //_

 

 

_// When I tell you my troubles my eyes drop to the soles of your shoes, where I know you can’t explore them. I find it hard for them to land elsewhere. In yours though, they are open and willing, marveling at something seething within me. What is it you’re looking at? Can others see it as well?_

_And when the troubles turn to tears you caress my face, honoring each tear instead of striking them away. Letting them flow in their spiritual way, around the curvature of my cheekbones, the birth of my mouth. It’s times like these that it feels like I’m the only one who really cries. It’s singular and obtuse of me I know, but maybe if I saw you cry… would it show me something unknown? //_

 

 

_// I am clumsy to make myself so known to you, but I can’t help it. Like the little beast I am I writhe when I’m without your attention, your affections. I need our shared looks like the hairs on my body, the teeth in my mouth, the breath in my lungs. When you have to give others attention I die. I’m selfish and childish and have no concern for anyone else but you. Is that endearing to you? I’m just a petulant girl waiting for you to look up at me. All for good reason of course; I notice you don’t look at anyone else the way you look at me. When I’m no longer young and soft and malleable and troubled will you still like me? Will I, as well as lots of other things, grow undeserving of your attention? If that day comes I may rot like a stump in the ground //_

 

 

_// Sweet, Sweet. You’ll read over my words a million times and still wonder: what happened? //_

 

 


End file.
